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I may have had a newborn to care for, but I also still had a toddler that needed tending to, almost just as much. This time though, there was a lot more going on that had to shift to make room for this new addition.

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When I gave birth to my first baby, I had all the free time in the world to get to know Bode quickly. Life quickly teaches us that each and every baby is unique, and it takes time and patience to get to know each one. We tell ourselves that we know exactly what to do. Maybe you got your first-born to sleep by swaddling every single night, so of course, youвЂ™ll do the same for your second child and plan on it working out just perfectly. You have your first child, and you feel like experts. I was already a mother, but now I was a mother to this new soul.

The love was immediate, just like BodeвЂ™s, but it was different, subtler, calmer, more ingrained within me. It was as if I had gone to sleep, dreamed a sweet dream, woke up, and he was here. They placed him on my chest and dimmed the lights once more. I kept asking if they needed more lights, and they assured me there was no need, that just that spotlight was fine, which made for a very surreal experience. Otis was born shortly after, in a dark room with just a spotlight on his arrival destination. I was told to rest up a bit once the epidural was in action, but only a few minutes later, I felt the need to push. Things progressed much quicker than with BodeвЂ™s birth day, and everything felt rushed: rushed getting me into a room, rushed with the IVs, rushed with the epidural. An hour later, I was on my hands and knees in pain, and an hour after that, I was admitted to the hospital. I was thrilled to be having another boy and got ready to embrace really being a boy mom.Д«aby boy #2 was due on Thanksgiving Day, and as we packed up the turkey leftovers, I started feeling him knocking on the door. I was so distracted by caring for Bode, with another major family move, with job changes, and more, that finding out a bit about this blessing growing inside of me was a really positive decision. We decided to find out the sex with our second to give the experience more depth, to give me something tangible to grab ahold of. Being pregnant while caring for a young toddler all day every day was the hardest physical feat of my life. Hello to chasing an incredibly active toddler all day long before collapsing at the end of the day. Goodbye to restful afternoons and lazy weekends binge-watching Netflix. ItвЂ™s safe to say that second time around, pregnancy was quite different. I found out I was pregnant again when Bode was 10 months old. Bode is a spirited, energetic, creative toddler who made me a mother, and IвЂ™ll forever cherish that connection, that gift he gave me. The love was immediate, and it was grand. He barely cried as he was put on my chest, my heart exploded, and life was never the same. And so when Bode entered the world, I was ready. The process was slow, giving my mind and heart ample time to catch up to what was happening physically. When it was time for delivery, I was induced, and it took a day and a half. I put my feet up at the end of each day and eagerly anticipated this little personвЂ™s arrival. I took carefully planned-out bump pictures every single week. We set up a little nursery, and we brainstormed boy and girl names since we didnвЂ™t know the sex.

#Add falling hearts to blogger full

But I no longer view it in that lens, and IвЂ™ve come to embrace the fact that my love for each child is unique.Д«eing pregnant with my first son was quite blissful the full nine months, despite a cross-country move and crazy hormones. At first, I felt embarrassed to admit this, worried it made me a bad mother. Simply stated, I didnвЂ™t love each of my children in the same way as the other вЂ“ and I still donвЂ™t. The love I had for Otis was just different. Not in terms of quantity, my love for them both is an amount that canвЂ™t be measured and not in terms of quality, as there was never a feeling of loving one son deeper, or better, by any means.

The love I had for my second child was not the same love I had for my first. While my heart had expanded in the same way it had when I gave birth to my first child, Bode, something was different this time around. It expanded to make room for this amazing creation, my second son, Otis.Д«ut as the days and weeks went on, as we adjusted to life with two children, I began to notice something that no one had warned me about before. Sure enough, my heart did expand, and it expanded beyond what I knew was even possible. And then like every other mother out there, those doubts vanished as soon as my newborn baby boy was put on my chest before I could even process what had happened.